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kittievixen1216
kittievixen1216
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kittievixen1216 [userpic]

HERE'S A BIG AND MIGHTY FUCK YOU TO THE PSYCHO BITCH WHO READS THIS...I HAVE NO PERSONAL PROBLEMS WITH YOU BUT YOUR INSECURITIES MAKE ME SICK AND I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT STAND BY AND WATCH MY FRIEND BE MISERABLE BECAUSE YOU'RE TO FULL OF YOUR OWN B.S. TO REALIZE WHAT YOU DO TO HIM. FOR THE RECORD, WE DONT SIT AROUND TALKING ABOUT YOU, I DONT CONTROL HIM, AND YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU SHOULD BE THREATENED BY ME. IF I HAD SOMETHING TO HIDE, OR CORRECTION, IF WE!!!!! HAD SOMETHING TO HIDE, DO YOU THINK I'D BE STUPID ENOUGH TO LEAVE IT FOR THE PUBLIC TO READ? YOU'RE REALLY ARE A WASTE OF LIFE CUNTWHORE...

ADVICE YOU SHOULD HEED: BACK OFF OF ME, BACK OFF OF MY FRIEND, AND GET A FUCKING LIFE! IF YOU'RE THAT FUCKING MISERABLE THAT YOU READ THE BLOGS AND LJ'S OF ME WHEN YOU DONT KNOW ME, JUST CAUSE YOU THINK I WANT THE MAN YOU CLAIM YOU LOVE IN SUCH A SHORT PERIOD, THEN MAY I SUGGEST GETTING A BED IN THE PSYCHO WARD RIGHT NEXT TO MY MOTHER!

HAVE A NICE DAY YOU FUCKING LUNATIC.

Feeling: annoyedannoyed
kittievixen1216 [userpic]

You scored as Paganism. Your beliefs are most closely aligned with those of paganism, Wicca, or a similar earth-based religion. You may also follow a Native American religion.

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Paganism

96%

Satanism

88%

Buddhism

63%

atheism

54%

Hinduism

54%

Judaism

33%

Islam

25%

agnosticism

21%

Christianity

8%

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

Feeling: sicksick
kittievixen1216 [userpic]

I HATE YOU YOU FUCKING SLIMY LYING ASS FUCKING BASTARD...

YOU SHAMEFUL MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR HUMAN FUCKING LIFE...

I HATE YOU...I FUCKING HATE YOU...WITH EVERY FUCKING THING I AM AND KNOW...YOU'RE A FUCKING SELFISH MOTHERFUCKING DICKFACE AND I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON A HERPES INFECTED CUNT YOU LITTLE BITCH...

Feeling: infuriatedinfuriated
kittievixen1216 [userpic]

Its like this...

I'm in a dark tunnel with only 2 openings...

J stands in one end, slight dim light around him, and I'm about about halfway down the tunnel walking away from him...towards T who's at the other end...behind an open door with a bright light around him...

J stands with his arms outstretched, T with a smile...

I stand frozen in this tunnel, with my body facing T, but my face looking back at J.

Turning around and going back to J in a way feels like I would be going back to the same comfort I knew, but also brings alot of the issues we went through...

Going forward to T feels like it could be the right thing to do, but besides me knowing he's a good guy...I'm not comfortable, and I wont be for a long time.


Its that lack of being comfortable, that scares me. Trying to learn to be with someone else, scares me. Having to learn all over again to trust, etc...scares me.

kittievixen1216 [userpic]

so...things are so confusing...

i still long to be with someone i know i love and loves me back...the fact that i cant listen to certain music or do certain things because of memories proves to me that i still have a heart that's willing to love.

i sit here, and i think...would i ever go back to "j"...my honest answer has gone to a definite yes to a definite maybe...but its leaning more turns a no everyday.

see...this is why i dont like too much time and too much distance. for me, its always been very easy to maintain very strong feelings for someone as long as i know we're both dedicated to the idea of "us". but when time and distance get involved...it complicates things. i dont lose feelings for someone. i never did. i love everyone just as much as i loved them before. what i mean by that is...if i love my friend, i always hold that same love for them, even if they hurt me. you cant hate someone without love. if i'm in love with someone, i will always be in love with that person. a part of me will always remember, always wonder that WHAT IF...but what is hard on me about it is that...

well...for example...J and I have been broken up since December. I know he's doing his thing, and i've been doing mine... i do think that what if we were to start talking again (no..there has been no contact because i cut off completely)...within these 3 months..or whatever its been...there's been time and distance...and at the same time, i dont know who he is now, and he doesnt know me anymore. we've in some way grown apart...

its that growing apart that makes it difficult for me to open up to that person in the same way again...especially when its feelings so strong like what i have with "j"...i wonder whats it like to hang out with him again and that same comfortable feeling i was trying to talk about in the last entry is gone now...the hurt has replaced it.

and then i sit and wonder what the hell i'm even thinking about that for...we dont even talk! so what's the point!! all i can say i guess its human...

as much as it angers me that we dont even speak as friends...its like we've never existed...i dont want to just forget...i dont wish to just shut off...i've done that already and it took me 3 long years to find myself again...and i'm still finding more and more things that are me...

i just wish we didnt have to be strangers, but in some way i guess its necessary...and possibly not for the short term either. not because of him, or because of me. just because it what needs to be. (wow..that rhymed....lol)

and then comes this thing with pimp daddy 't'...

do i like him? yes
do i want to get to know him more? definitely
so then what's the problem? none...just dont know if i'm ready

both T and I have been through hell and back lately...its actually our experiences that brought us together and caused our meeting in the first place. it seems more than just coincidence that as 2 strangers, we were dealing with almost the exact same situation for the last few years of our lives...and even to this day, we still are...but sometimes it feels right...sometimes it feels too soon.

we're not rushing off to get married or nothing like that...we are going to take things slow even though i'm not exactly convinced would be as slow as they need to be...for both our sakes...and i dont want pain anymore. i know i cant stop pain from coming back to me because i'm not a robot...i dont pretend to be a fucking rock...

and in a way...all this thinking that i've been doing about finding someone else and possibly starting a new relationship is strange cause this is the exact thing i went through when i broke up with billy and just started talking to "j"...

some small part of me wants to leave that option open for "j" for when he's ready...but then it comes back to me...and my life. i've already expressed to "j" my feelings...but i'm not going to sit and wait forever.

all that aside, "t" feels right...

i'm scared...of losing what could be from both "t" and "j"...

i dont want to hurt either guy, or myself...and even from reading my entry here...i'm still seeing i put others before me...not that that's a fault but...yeah...

i just dont want to rush into something...but i feel like i'm not doing anything...and i should be...

if i had to put a percentage on it..20% wants "J", 15% is "T"...the other 65% increases and decreases daily, even hourly, between "T" and pure terror.

ask me again in 5 min...or esp. when i read a poem T wrote for me or something...and it jumps to 70% "T"...

let me read or run across something to remind me of "J"...and it only jumps to about 40% "J"...

and i'm not sure its cause I want change, want love/to be loved, am just too hurt, or dont know who "j" is anymore...

and then "t"...there's just this attraction that's just not of this world...

Feeling: contemplativecontemplative
kittievixen1216 [userpic]

oh where oh where is my tommy boy at....lol

so yeah, nothing new. got most of my tax stuff done today. gotta figure out a few more things and blah. yesterday was my first day of actually TALKING to da heartpimper 't' himself....it was great until i fell asleep.

it wasnt boredom, i was really tired...plus its nice to feel comfortable around a member of the opposite sex again. we're supposed to hang out next saturday, maybe get wasted and have lots of sex...

just kidding...or am i? haha..you'll never know!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!

those of you that know me know what i would do...and that's all i have to say!

so now, i'm in this weird kinda position. i admit, i still have very small lingering feelings for "J"...and the idea of being with someone, even on a just getting to know you basis really weirds me out. what makes it harder in alot of ways is cause right now i feel really really attracted to pimp "t"...but i have so many questions like..what if it doesnt last..what if i end up hurt...what if i only feel this way cause i desperately crave to be loved and give love again...what if this...what if that...

i know those are all perfectly normal reactions considering the depth of things with me and "j"...and i do know i have to pick up and move on. i'm terrified, but excited. i just wish it was as simple as just knowing. knowing if i'd get hurt, and knowing the person. i dont really know pimp "t"...and i hate the awkwardness of not knowing something or someone...its too uncomfortable, and i hate being uncomfortable...i love the familiarity of hugging someone and even if you arent in love with them you have this sense of completion and sense of protection...

i LONG for that again...maybe too much, but I'm a sag, and that's me...

so yeah...i'll write more later, but for right now...its time to eat.

Feeling: hungryhungry
kittievixen1216 [userpic]

so here's my day of protest yesterday in westfield:

woke up, got naked, showered, got un-naked, printed directions from mapquest, called emma, left towards work (our meetup spot).

get to work, emma gets in car, we leave, find place relatively easily considering i dont like driving esp. to places i am not familiar with, pass a bunch of 6 year olds in support of bush, and 10 times more anti-bush people then bushites themselves. parked car about 4 blocks away, walked to site.

watched president bush pass in his motorcade behind taped off line as well as a few police officers and men in suits...fbi?...not sure.

turned around to walk back to car with emma, watched a few arguments break out and dissipate, then got in car and tried to find way back to roselle to go to work. ran into another rally, parked car again, and walked to rally.

LOTS of anti-bush people, much more of a protest site then where we were when the motorcade passed. maybe 5 pro-bush people, about 50-70 anti-bush people. watched the debates, walked around and felt excellent vibes, then followed the anarchists passed the riot police to the street just behind the armory where bush and his "delegates" had their meeting and was keeping their tour buses. stopped at a blockade with more police.

stood in a group, watched the excitement. yelled a few chants, then stood back with emma when i was handed a sign. held my sign and yelled some more. more teenage anarchists showed up, one with a guitar, and listened to them play a bit. finally meeting is out, and hell breaks loose. well not hell, but yeah.

so the "delegates" (mainly rich people who shit money and earn interest off their own shit) begin to leave...protestors grow in number, voices, and screams. one asian lady walked across the lot (she was pro-bush) and began screaming at us protestors, but we largely out numbered her and overpowered her, so a cop came over and excused her. middle fingers were flying left and right, then the next thing you know...

Arrest #1. some girl, part of one of the anarchist groups that were there. didnt see her do anything, and the consensus of the crowd she was with (anarchist and not) said she did nothing illegal or wrong. watched as she was thrown into the side of a police car, head pushed into the car several times, and put in cuffs and led to the paddy wagon. not even a minute later...

Arrest #2. some boy, maybe 15-16 years of age, complete with black mohawk was hurled around and thrown into paddy wagon. again, consensus being he did nothing wrong.

someone decided to throw a snowball at the paddy wagon, and the people inside the wagon who were arrested began kicking around inside. cops charged the group to my immediate left, and about 15 cops charged the protest line and a bunch of people went running.

Arrest # 4. the slowest kid, again, another anarchist was wrestled to the ground with his head barely missing hitting a tree, had four riot gear cops arrest him...the homeowner who's lawn they were on videotaped outside her door, while a blonde guy with a camera shot away, another girl had her video camera, and i stood with my little old camera phone taking pictures. i was able to get one picture when i was pushed by a cop and yelled at to leave the driveway area.

everyone was then demanded to leave the area, "the party was over" as i quote one female officer. so we began to walk up the street screaming at the bushites who were still leaving the meeting, walked passed a few tour buses and flipped off a bunch of middle fingers and derogatory comments and eventually made our way home.

now things i dont understand or complaints:

1) why were the only people that were picked on from what i witnessed myself all anarchists? i know they try to set the example and make targets of the anarchists all the time (not to say its not always unwarranted) but i stood right next to the first 2 people to get arrested, and they did absolutely nothing wrong.

2)why were the police blocking off a public street? i pay taxes and should be able to walk the streets without problem. i know the government uses the guise of "security"...but where does do they draw the line? (figurative question of course!)

3)why was it that they didnt begin to arrest people until after the meeting was over, when the crowd was just as "rowdy" (if you can even use that word) as when they were inside. nobody crossed the police barricade, nobody was overwhelmingly disrespectful...etc

4) again...why were the anarchists prejudiced against? why were they the ones chosen to make an example of?

5)why was it that just about every bushite that walked out of that meeting with Bush either got into a tour bus (which was probably commissioned with our tax dollars) or a lexus, mercedes, bmw, cadillac, etc? makes you wonder what those people are really there for and what they really support.

***************

i can go on and on, but overall, i'm glad i went. i read about things like that happening all the time, but to experience it first hand has done a better job of motivating me and pissing me off with our "system" then anything else combined since i grew an interest in politics.

not to mention, i missed work as well as emma. we both work in the same department and we are the only 2 in the department during the day till a 3rd person comes in (who actually called out as well but for reasons different then my own)...which means on monday we'll hear shit about it from our job...and we pissed off that bunch of corporate assholes...

again, overall, GREAT DAY!!!!!

Feeling: satisfiedsatisfied
kittievixen1216 [userpic]

and i sure as hell wont sit by and just let them do whatever they want when my brother was sent to iraq twice for what is a b.s. war, i have another friend of mine getting shipped out for patrol over there in a week...and for what now? saddam's out and they had their elections...too many people are dead now, and that could of easily been my brother or any one of my friends who went over there...or are still going...


maybe you should strap on a gun and go to iraq to learn what its like to fight for something for yourself...

Feeling: aggravatedaggravated
kittievixen1216 [userpic]

as you may know i went to the protest today, but i sent out emails yesterday to see who else may be going for a possible meetup. this was the email i got from one of my "friends":


DON'T SEND ME GARBAGE... I CARE NOTHING FOR BUSH OR ANY PROTEST OR ANYTHING HAVING TO DO WITH OUR GOVERNMENT... WE CAN'T CONTROL THE SYSTEM OR CHANGE IT... ACCEPT IT AND LIVE YOUR FUCKING LIFE THE WAY THEY MADE IT... WE HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ACCEPT IT... THAT'S WHAT MY OPINIONS ARE AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT CAN CHANGE THEM... NOT EVEN IF THERE WAS A NEW PRESIDENT... THEY ARE ALL THE SAME... AND THEY DO NOT MAKE THE DECISIONS... LIVE WITH IT...

**********and my response:


your problem is that everything is garbage to you unless its something you like...you dont care anything for bush or the protest or even the government..then fine...are you incapable of doing it without insulting what someone else or telling them to live with it? its miserable scum that share the same opinion as you that should just shoot themselves in the head because it is nothing but stupidity and if that's how you really feel, then you're dead already... how can you not care about something that dictates your life (as you admit in your own words?!)...maybe its that your not smart enough to read a book or learn something other than your own prejudiced shit to realize that things can change, and have...maybe you cant recognize that the "system" can be changed because its your own decision to be a bitch about it and not say anything...the government feeds off ignorant lazy asses like you who dont give a fuck and do nothing...you're opinions are more of a problem then bush's...why would you just sit by as your life gets bargained on the table...and you know what...even if this protest doesn't change much...that's fine...because its the point that we were out there...and we spoke our opinions...we didn't pussy out and just watch as our life gets sold out...i dont have to accept nothing...from you or our so-called government...and i'm sure as hell not going to live my life as they try to make it without so much as a complaint and a middle finger right to the limo bush passed in...

i'm beyond sick and fucking tired of everything with you and how you put shit down just because you dont associate yourself with it...by all means, you dont have to if you dont want to...but the least you can do is show a bit of self-respect and respect for other people and their concerns/likes/etc...you're just as much of a selfish pig as the government...you just do it in your own way

i dont like your stupid corporate twat H.D...or even rush and their music, but I tolerate it and I even give it a chance for you because you are supposed to be a friend...i'm not ignorant and i'm not closeminded about the situation, but obviously that's asking a lot from you...

so the next time you want to call something i believe in garbage, you should take a harsh look at yourself and your beliefs...last time i checked, yours wasn't to fucking great...

Feeling: annoyedannoyed
Hearing: Bad Religion
kittievixen1216 [userpic]

so silly me emailed "J" and told him that if he ever wanted proof as to why he was DEAD WRONG about me building a relationship with my mother then he should stop by and see her and how she is and has been all day.

so he im's me with.. "why?"

no hello, how are you, no piss...so I didnt answer him, and I took him off my buddy list...

up yours mother fucker :)

and Heart Pimper "T"..where art thou? lol

hope you're better than last night, and you actually listened to me and did your homework....

Feeling: cheerfulcheerful
Hearing: Tori Amos - Cornflake Girl (tapping the vein remix)
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